You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.