Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
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wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.