Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
*orders delivery*
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*