I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”