“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on