An odd boast
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Chicago sounds lovely.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Animal poetry
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.