Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
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me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I’d … I’d rather not.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!