“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Vodka burrito was a success
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*