Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
You Might Also Like
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Two types of dogs.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦