Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
You Might Also Like
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇