Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
You Might Also Like
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.