My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.