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My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard