I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
(by @ZachWeiner )
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.