Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I’d love this…lol
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.