[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
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im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT