I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
You Might Also Like
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!