My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
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Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I feel like one of these would kill a European
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Woke up against my better judgment again
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?