The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
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If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs