Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
You Might Also Like
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.