Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
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3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole