NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.