One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
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Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”