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Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
best first i’ve ever seen
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*