Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
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This is my emotional support online shopping cart
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I would move hell over six inches for you
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
this came to me in a vision
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.