Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Lmbo
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother