I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
smh
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.