[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
You Might Also Like
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Best spoiler warning ever
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Best mom ever 😂
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold