i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list