Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
*watches the world burn*
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*