The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Beware of the dog..
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like