(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
early stone age tool
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.