I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
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I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.