When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
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Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD