*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here