The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
You Might Also Like
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Welcome to the stomach
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.