Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
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Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead