Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
You Might Also Like
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
just pretend nothing happened
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Jesus Christ lmao
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?