@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
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I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
*watches the world burn*
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.