My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017