If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Good morning y’all ☀️
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.