I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
This makes total sense…
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy