If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
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The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS