nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me