*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
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Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The prophecy is fulfilled
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My dog ate my work from home.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇