ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
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I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
#titanic
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Ghost costume 😂
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.