goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
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“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips