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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.