Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Twitter remains undefeated
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?