how do lawyers not cry when arguing
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kevin is now a local weatherman
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Beware of the dog..
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.